A NEW RELIGION IS BORN!

The May 26, 2004 meeting of The Dead Prophets Society was, to say the least, a landmark in history. Seemingly at the direction of forces beyond our comprehension, we decreed the meeting to be "The Council of Bent", and founded a new religion for the ages.

Influenced only minimally by The Council of Trent (1545 - 1563), Zoroastrianism (circa 6000 to 600 BCE), evangelists Jimmy Swaggart, Oral Roberts, modern-day television melodramas and pharmaceutical commercials, Zoro-half-assed-trianism is the only answer to the most pressing issues of the age, with only rare and minimal side-effects, such as spontaneous mutations in those with a history of couch-potato hernias.

In an unprecedented display of human accomplishment and singularity of accord, the Council established its Canon, pictured above, which shall stand for all ages, unless we change something or add to it. The articles of the canon are as follows:

1.) If anyone, in scheduled or spontaneous ritual experiences, does not wear the appropriate vestige of a black half-faced ("Zorro", from the 1960's TV melodrama) mask, facing backwards, and situated over the buttocks, let him be an enema.

2.) If anyone gets so rigid and "anal" that he must attain perfection in every worldly and trivial endeavor ("conscientious"), rather than being laid-back and "half-assed", let him be an enema.

3.) If anyone, in the context of ritual, does not say the word, "Fire!" like the character "Beavis" on the current-day TV melodrama, "Beavis and Butthead", Let him be an enema (Note that fire is a very important part of Zoro-half-assed-trianism rituals).

4.) If anyone does not try to raise incredible amounts of money through donations from the gullible, saying he was threatened with death from on high if he does not reach his financial goal, like Oral Roberts did, let him be an enema.

5.) If anyone does not secretly take pictures of himself and/or others in hotel rooms, like Jimmy Swaggart did, at least once per year, and then, like Jimmy rebelling against his denominational leaders, rebel against a non-Zoro-half-assed-trianist spiritual authority about having done so, let him be an enema.

6.) If any person adds to or takes away from this canon or any of these articles, unless he has a really good reason for doing so (hey, this was allowed in the Council of Trent, you know), let him be an enema.

7.) If any person attempts to add to the ranks of the Zoro-half-assed-trianist Enlightened, except through virgin birth, or via invitations packed in boxes of caramel-coated popcorn with peanuts (and as long as the appropriate mask is included), let him be an enema.

8.) If any person engages in marriage, which the Shakers couldn't do (but they made some mighty fine furniture instead -- for a while), physical union, or procreative acts of any sort, with himself, with another person, or for the purpose of raising livestock, let him be an enema.

9.) As the number of the Enlightened grows into the millions or billions in the coming generations, if anyone figures out how that happened, and says anything to anyone about it, let him be an enema.

10.) The valid writings of the faith will be that collection that we call The Crayon. The Crayon consists of all and only the books named Fire, Sons of Fire, Second Nieces Twice Removed of Fire, Cornholio, First Lobotomy, Second Lobotomy, The Palms, Employment, Postcards from the Hedge, Song of Salamander, Smudges, First Camel, Second Camel, Hysteria, Easy Leaky Al, Bootycai, Loonycai, and The Island of Hatchie Malachie. If any man has a problem with any of that, let him be an enema.

We expect, since Zoro-half-assed-trianism has now finally been established, that all dead prophets and meeting attendees of the past and future will want to become members.

Please be advised that all applicants, supplicants, triplicates, and duplicates will be duly considered for acceptance or rejection.

David Kavich
The Pulp
The Zoro-half-assed-trian Church

Copyright 2004 by David Kavich